Looking Beyond Attachment Type to Understand your Relationship Patterns - Part 1

Recently, I have become very interested in understanding more about attachment theory, attachment styles in adults and how these patterns impact the quality of the relationships we form and can shed light on the patterns of behavior we form in our adult relationships.  This is a personal interest of mine and also a professional endeavor as I use attachment a lot with my clients to help organize behavior in a way that helps them better understand why they react to things in their relationships the way they do.  One thing that stands out to me about using attachment theory to help clients understand the issues that might be coming up in how they form relationships is the way that this can be incredibly validating to the individual.  Understanding how their reactions are part of a pattern of behaviors stemming from how they learned to attach in childhood or other significant relationships can provide a sense of relief which allows clients to step back from their patterns and practice new ways of responding.

In my research on attachment, it was recommended that I check out the book Polysecure:  Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern.  This book expands on traditional ideas on attachment by exploring research that dives into understanding attachment through a wider lens.  I wanted to write about it here in order to share some of these ideas.  This will be a two-part post.  The first part will cover the basics of attachment by examining attachment types.  In the second part, I will look into Fern’s ideas understanding attachment through dimensions of anxiety and avoidance.

Part One

The research of John Bowlby, which forms the basis of attachment theory has provided us with helpful ways to understand the patterns of behavior that make up ways in which we form relationships.  According to attachment theory, the interactions we have, as infants, with our primary caregivers shape the way we form relationships as adults.  If our caregivers are responsive to our needs and provide us with nurturing environments, we are able to build consistent and stable relationships with them, forming the basis for secure attachment.  If they cannot provide this type of environment, we may be more likely to develop one of the other three attachment styles which are collectively termed as insecure.

Attachment Style Basics

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious (or preoccupied), dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant (or disorganized).  It is important to note that attachment style is not a diagnosis; rather, it is a way to understand one’s relationship patterns and behaviors.

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment styles typically had parents that were responsive to their needs and were emotionally attuned in ways that taught them that feeling and then communicating their emotional needs was a safe and effective strategy to getting these needs met. 

As adults, people with a secure attachment style:

·       Can communicate their needs effectively

·       Are able to regulate emotions and feelings in relationships and receive support from others

·       Enjoy being close with others

·       Don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting to close to them

·       Are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them

·       Are aware and accepting of their partners’ strengths and shortcomings and treat them with love and respect

·       Can manage the transition of being with a partner to being alone and from being alone to back to being with a partner. 

Anxious Attachment

As children, those with an anxious attachment may have come from a caregiving environment where the adults were inconsistent in the level of responsiveness to their needs.  At times, the caregivers might be well-attuned to the child’s needs and emotionally available.  At other times, the caregivers may be unavailable, mis-attuned to the needs of the child or even intrusive.  This unpredictability can make it  hard for the child to form a consistent bond with the caregiver, and often forces the child to hyperactivate their attachment strategy in order to get their needs met.

As adults, people with an anxious attachment style:

·       Are often uncomfortable being alone and may crave connection more than their partners

·       Are very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their emotional or psychological states

·       Worry about or fear being abandoned

·       Need a lot of reassurance that they are loved or desired by a partner, and when this reassurance is provided it is often not recognized or believed.

·       Get resentful or take it personally when a partner spends time away from them

·       Tend to commit to relationships and get attached quickly

·       May think highly of others but have low self-esteem

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

This attachment style is common in individuals who had caregivers that were neglectful, cold, distant, critical, or highly focused on achievement or appearance.  The child does not get enough of the positive attachment they need, they adapt by learning to shut down and deactivate their attachment needs.  As a result, they develop into adults that learn to minimize their bids for attention and have trouble picking up on attachment cues from others. 

As adults, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style:

·       Place a high value on autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency

·       Are comfortable without close relationships and do well on their own

·       Desire close relationships but can only tolerate closeness to a limit

·       Frequently don’t know what they are feeling or needing and may miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing

·       Keep people at “arm’s length” and are usually uncomfortable relying on others or others relying on them

·       Are very sensitive to any signs that a partner is trying to control them

·       Tend to withdraw or shut down during disagreements

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

This attachment style usually forms as a result of caregivers who are abusive or extremely unpredictable to the child.  When a child is scared, they seek comfort from their attachment figure.  However, if the attachment figure is also the threat and source of the fear the child is put into a conflicting experience where their attachment system is both activated and deactivated at the same time, as they seek out the attachment figure for comfort and also pull away from them out of fear.  Some factors that can contribute to this attachment style are having parents who are dealing with their own mental health and emotion dysregulation; chaos in the family life caused by illness, financial insecurity, addictions; and parents who are contradictory in their communication or affection, which can lead to a level of disorientation for the child. 

As adults, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style:

·       May see themselves as unworthy of love and expect that others will hurt them

·       Will frequently feel unsafe in relationships even if partners act in ways that are safe and trustworthy

·       Genuinely want intimacy but will experience feeling overwhelmed when intimacy with a partner increases

·       Often expect that worst will happen in a relationship, even if things are going well

·       May end a relationship prematurely out of fear of being abandoned

·       Go back and forth between different types of chaos and rigidity

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.

The Attachment Project, www.attachmentproject.com